PEARL'S NEW YEAR WISDOM
Happy New Year everyone.
I turn on my back and give my lump my tummy. Don't scratch them, let them stroke your tummy, it's heaven and lumps think it's special.
I promised you our fish pie recipe. Here it is: send your lump out with a list for the superette. For three cats, you need one can of Duck, Chicken and Turkey in jelly. He opens it and gives you a third in the bowl. That's our fish pie. Seemples.
We don't like fish unless its smoked salmon with NO lemon or black pepper, thankyou. We nearly taught the lump body language, problem is he needs a tail. All ideas welcome, Ginger's knitting him one, but we aren't that sure about that.
Love Pearl xxx
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
- Pick cat up and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. Pop pill into mouth then allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm-holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Get spouse.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and reserve for gluing
later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Put cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck so head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with rubber band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and rehang cupboard door back. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
Scotch. Pour shot & drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Apply
Scotch to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve friggin' cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who
crashed into fence when avoiding cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little b****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearms and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
- Wrap in bacon
MILLIE - TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY
Hi, it's Millie again, on my own as Pearl's out in the snow and the lump's looking for her. They wont be long, unless the lump gets arrested for shouting “Oi You” at pedestrians again. Anyways up kitterlins, it's advice from Auntie Millie time.
If a lump wants to adopt you, ask Christine to make sure they have a foot rest. This is very important as lump's legs are more comfortable if they is stretched out on a foot rest. Try as much as possible to lie on their legs, in the spot between the chair and the foot rest. That makes you heaviest and the most uncomfortable to the lump. It's very satisfying.
Dont worry. They love you so much they wont move even if they want a cup of tea. If they squirm a bit, just set claws to automatic, they soon get the hang of it.
Gotta go, Pearl's found the lump and is back now!
Love Millie xxx
PS. Next week, advice on how to stay on a broom in comfort when your lump wants to play quidditch, and a fish pie recipe with lamb, duck and chicken.
MILLIE AND PEARL - THE MAGIC CAT
Ello, You may have met us on the Success Stories page. Thought you might like to know more about us, Ginger and our Lump.
We're safe now and we like that 'cos nothings safe when you're small and an or-fon.
Anyway, we moved out of the Rescue during the day and we wasn't allowed outside
at night. Ginger never hurt us and the Lump only stood on us once but he didn't
mean to. He had to wear two pairs of trackie bottoms at the beginning 'cos we had to
get a grip you see but we never bited him or scratched him, that would be rude and
we're layydees! We just kneaded him. Our lump treats us as equals and we have our
own computer and email and everything. We met the garden and it's small but nice
in the sun. One of us goes off for hours and one of us stays home 'cos that way you
get lots of loves.
We's both cute and we sit on the Lumps knee and get all the loves but then
sometimes Ginger says it's his turn…but that's only about once a month then he gets
it in bucketloads!
Ginger loves us every day though. He cleans us and holds us tight and comfy in
his paws. We get lots of food and lots of warmth and strict rules about when we is
allowed out. We get out all right, but only when it's safe.
We speak too - about 37 words yes and ginger and the lump understand every
word…took ages to teach them, mind!
If you see a small cat, with a long nose, and little bald bits over its eyes and
sometimes cheeks, well they are MAGIC CATS. They are VERY special and you
have to be a wizard or a witch to live with one. Ginger, our daddy, isn't a magic cat
but he knows we are. All cats are perrfick, but if you ever see a magic cat, beware
because we can read minds! If we find a nice mind, we will love you forever in a
special way. All cats will love you. Ginger is feral really and rather thick but he knows
we is magic. Ferals aint all bad. They tell us such great stories, we like them. When
nobody's looking, and when the moon is right, they love their lumps loads. It just has
to be a secret!
Please adopt a cat or kitten. We soon adapt and we know how lucky we are.
ESPECIALLY if you are slow, kindly and integrate us slowly and understand that we
are scared of everything until we trust you. Then we own you LOL!
NOTICE TO CATS
The following was found posted very low down on a refrigerator door.
Dear Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that at all aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed for Formula 1 Racing. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other cat's bottom. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
- They live here. You don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
- I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
- To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
REMEMBER, THERE ARE 10 REASONS WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS. THEY:
- eat less,
- don't ask for money all the time,
- normally come when called,
- never ask to drive the car,
- don't hang out with drug-using people,
- don't smoke or drink,
- don't want to wear your clothes,
- don't have to buy the latest fashions,
- don't need a gazillion pounds for University, AND
- if they get pregnant, you can get someone else to care for their children.